Do you wake up sometimes and think, G’DAMN, I WANT A GIANT PHILLY CHEESE STEAK SAMMICH IN MY MOUTH!?

Just me?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Well, I had happened upon a recipe for a Keto Philly Cheese Steak Wrap and it didn’t move me, so I decided to do my own thing.  And was super stoked that I had the ingredients on hand. And even more stoked that it was AMAAAAAAAZINNNNG.

And now I’m sharing this ball o’ sex with you.


The Stuff:

  • Leftover steak
  • Yellow or white onion
  • Red bell pepper
  • Mushrooms
  • Cream cheese
  • Monterrey Jack or Pepper Jack Cheese
  • Oil
  • Butter or Ghee
  • Eggs



Grab the leftover steak that you had from when you cooked a steak larger than your head last night that you thought you might eat the entirety of but your stomach told you to fuck off.


Hi. I’ve been waiting for you.

Slice it into strips – measurements aren’t important, you do whatever ratios you want and/or have stuff available for.

Chop up some onions, about a half cup maybe. Chop up some sweet red bell pepper, like one whole small one or the equivalent. Chop up green peppers, too, if you like, but I haven’t been able to eat green peppers since I barfed them up whilest pregnant. That’s my problem, not yours.


I need a different color cutting board.


Chop up about a half cup or so of mushrooms, either white or baby bella or crimini or psychedelic…whatever. Don’t care. Chop ’em.

Grate up a bunch (approx. 2/3 C) of Monterrey or Pepper Jack cheese. I did pepper jack because I forgot to buy more Monterrey Jack, and I’m not sad about it.




Also, as much fun as it sounds? Don’t grate your fucking hand. Only grate the cheese.




Put a bit of oil and grass-fed butter (ok, butter from grass-fed cows) or ghee into a frying pan.


Pan lube


Toss the mushrooms in your pan.



Not psychadelics


Sautee the hell out of those mushrooms. Get a little crust on ’em without burning down the house if you can.


That’s better.


Set aside on a plate.

Toss a little more butter and onion in the same pan or, if you’re like me and couldn’t remember that you already had a pan out because that’s how out of it you are – you forget that you were just cooking onions and peppers – put it in a separate pan.

Toss your onions in there.


Cook until they’re about halfway or so to caramelized and toss the red peppers in there, sautéing with the onions until peppers are mostly tender and onion is caramelized.


Toss in your steak hunks and sautee a bit more to marry the flavors of your veggies and your awesome steak your weak ass couldn’t finish last night but now you’re secretly glad for.


Then toss your mushrooms back in.

Oh, and the reason I do my mushrooms separate is because they just won’t brown right if you crowd them with a bunch of other shit or too many other mushrooms. Julia Child told me this.

And you goddamn well know I listen to Julia Child.

When that’s done to your liking, dollop in some cream cheese (big spoonful out of a tub or about 1/3 of a 8oz brick). and stir into meat and veggie mixture.

Add Monterrey Jack or Pepper Jack cheese to the pan and mix just until all of it is combined.


Spooge of happiness


Pull pan of the stove and let sit to have a meat-cheese-veggie-melty-orgy.  You can season with salt and pepper if you want, but I found I didn’t need to at all with the seasoning already on the steak and the flavor of the sautéed veggies.

Take an omelet pan or something close enough, and do your eggs.

The way I do it is scramble 3-4 eggs per person and pour it into a buttered (about 1 tablespoon) nonstick pan.   I cook over a medium-ish heat and, as it’s cooking, I lift up the sides with my spatula and tip the pan so the runny egg runs over the egg that’s started to cook and under it.  I repeat this action all around the edge of the egg in the pan until the top is nearly devoid of runny egg.  Then I carefully flip the whole thing and let it cook on the slightly still “wet” side of the egg for about 20 seconds.

I’ll video the process one of these days.

Once my giant egg disk is done, I slide it out of the pan onto a plate and THEN I put my ingredients onto one half of the egg, folding it over into an omelet right there onto the plate.  If I’m going to top with more cheese, I do this immediately and put a cover of sorts on it so the heat of the omelet under the cover steam-melts the cheese before serving.

If you want to do the whole thing in the pan, go nuts. I just find I have a “neater presentation” when I do it this way and it also keeps it from overcooking on the underside.

Here is the finished product.  ISN’T SHE BEAUTIFUL!?!


Hey, pretty.

I love a good Philly Cheese Steak sandwich, I really do.  And an omelet with all the right shit in it was almost better because…well, I don’t know why, but it just was and it’s going to be hard for me not to make this at least 90 times a week.


…and not share it with Harley even though she has beautiful eyes.



But MOM…


Recipe, such as it is, will also be housed under “Slutty Breakfasts”, but you know…eat it whenever you want.