Made some crab mac & cheese for a thing tomorrow at work.

They don’t deserve it.

BUT a dear friend of mine needed a “recipe” for it which I did not have because I wing it 99/100 of the time and its a lot easier to create a recipe while making the thing.

I used gluten-free quinoa noodles this time around because a co-worker is gluten intolerant because of course she is.

Also, fuck, if you’re GF, please don’t take offense to that line, just be self-aware enough to know you’re high maintenance. Shit, I’m just eating a bowl of cheese because I’m staying low carb. Suck it.

Here’s the recipe:

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This was for my friend’s sake, it’s missing half the shit. Ignore.


4 Cups Uncooked Macaroni – Shells, Elbows, Whatever.

1 T Butter

1 T Olive Oil

1/2 C Finely Chopped Onion

3 Cloves of Garlic, minced.

1/4 (or more) Red Chili Flake

1 tsp Salt

About 1/4 tsp Fresh Ground Pepper

1/4 C White Wine (or more if you want, I don’t give a shit). I use Pinot Gris usually. Mostly because I always have a monster amount of it on hand.

OPTIONAL STEP HERE: Add one cube of chicken bullion and stir well -OR- 1 C of homemade chicken stock and reduce to nearly no liquid like you did with the wine. You can choose not to do this as I often do due to a few pescitarian friends I feed on the regular. It adds a little more depth of flavor, but it definitely DOES NOT NEED this step to be amazing.

2 Cups Heavy Cream

4oz Cream cheese, Softened.

4 C Random Grated Cheese (gruyere, provolone, gouda, cheap ass colby and jack mix because it’s still amazing and fuck spending extra money on your coworkers, etc.)

1/4 C Grated Parmesan Cheese

1/2 C Sour Cream

1/2 to 1? tsp White truffle oil

1-2 lbs Jumbo Lump Crab

1 Cup Panko Bread Crumbs

1/4 Cup Butter


Cook macaroni according to package instructions. Drain, Set aside.

NOTE I almost always use shells. Elbow Macaroni is just fine, too. Tonight I used the gluten-free option available. It did not suck. I still prefer regular ol’ gluteny shells.

Over medium heat, melt butter with olive oil until heated through.

Add onion and saute until it’s a light golden brown.

Getting there…

Add minced garlic and saute a bit more, like a minute or two. Please don’t burn your damn garlic, that would be a tragedy. Bitter garlic is sadness.

Add red chili flake – more or less to suit your tastes, salt, and pepper. Saute together about 10-20 seconds.

Add wine. Cook down until there’s almost no liquid left.

At this point, you can add that optional step above. Or skip it. I did this time due to my boss who doesn’t eat birds.

I can smell this picture.

Turn heat down to medium low and add the cream and the cream cheese. Simmer til blended, stirring regularly.

Add ALLLLLLL the cheeses. Stir regularly some more until it’s all melty and happy, then blend in sour cream.

Ooh, I want to bathe in this.

Now add the truffle oil.

NOTE: I CAN NOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH: DO NOT GO HEAVY HANDED WITH THE TRUFFLE OIL. DO NOT DO THIS. Start with 1/4 tsp, mix it in, taste it. If you can’t taste it, add a little bit more…taste. Keep doing this until you can sort of taste it but not TOO much. That’s where you stop. Otherwise it will be awful. Trust me. Don’t go nuts. It’s perfect when it’s just a hint.

Decide now if you need more salt or not. Taste it. If you need more salt, pepper, or truffle oil, add it. BUT SERIOUSLY NOT TOO MUCH, SO HELP ME…

Gradually add cooked and drained macaroni to cheese mixture and mix well. Stop adding macaroni when you feel you’ve got the PERFECT-FOR-YOU ratio of cheese to noodle. I like mine a little gloppy. Some people, like Ben Shapiro, like theirs a little drier, so he’ll need more noodle (that’s what she said).

Add crab and gently stir as to not break up any hunks of crab. Stir until JUST blended.

NOTE: It’s still amazing without crab if you decide you want to make this and realize you live in Iowa or some shit.

Pour mixture into a buttered or otherwise greased baking pan – 8×8, maybe slightly larger, figure it out, I don’t know what size pans you have.

Bake for 20 minutes at 375 degrees.

Remove from oven. Then turn oven on to the broil setting.

Melt the butter and mix with panko bread crumbs.

Distribute evenly over mac and cheese.

No, Harley…not for you.

Toss back into the oven and broil until top looks browned to your satisfaction.

Let cool off and devour the entire pan.

Bone Ape Tit.

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