Hey, guys!
Honestly, there are some days (weeks) where all I want is a low carb smoothie because I’m all cheesed and egged out (THE HELL YOU SAY? I know, it freaks me out, too), and most days, I’m probably just going to do a scramble with eggs and cheese and some sort of salty meat (mmm…salty meat).

But other days?  I feel like being fucking fancy. And these cauliflower hashbrowns are the fucking fanciest.

Also, I’ve decided Hashbrowns is one word. Fuck your rules.


  • 2 cups riced cauliflower
  • 1 large egg
  • 1/4 tsp kosher salt
  • Approx 1/8 tsp fresh ground pepper (a few cranks on the grinder or so)
  • 1 tbsp finely diced white or sweet yellow onion
  • 1 T finely diced red pepper
  • Approx 1 cup grated Monterrey Jack Cheese
  • 1-2 green onions, chopped (for garnish…and flavor of course)
  • 1/2 tbsp olive oil


In a bowl, combine cauliflower – either pre-riced if you’re a lazy fuck like me, or you can buy a head of cauliflower and take the 20 seconds to rice it in a food processor – egg, salt, pepper, onion, and red pepper until thoroughly combined (the egg will act as a binder).
In a small pan over medium-high heat, add olive oil.
Once the pan is hot and olive oil rolls around easily in the pan, use a large spoon to scoop the cauliflower mix into the pan, forming two 1/2 inch-ish or less thick “rectangles” with your spatula.
Let sit and cook until brown and crispy underneath, about 4-5 minutes.
Use a spatula to flip the hashbrowns – get a nice wide one for stability so you don’t totally fuck up the “form”.

Didn’t fuck up the form! WOO!

Toss a handful of cheese over the hashbrown patties.


Let the hashbrown cook until crispy underneath (another 3-4 minutes) and until the cheese on top has melted.
Using your spatula, plate these badboys and let sit a bit…


…while you fry your eggs – you’re having eggs with this, right?  Nice runny ones?  PERFECT?

Do not break these yolks…DO NOT.

Once done, plate your eggs and garnish the whole shebang with chopped green onions.
A shake or two of the hot sauce of your choice, too, if ya like.
Bone Ape-tit. <3